Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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