Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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