I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
