i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
