That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
