i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
