my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
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