haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Drake has all the answers
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
