there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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