all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
