I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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