Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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