i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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