Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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