I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
