I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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