I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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