Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
