she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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