We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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