Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
