Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
