How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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