They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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