1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
