Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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