she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize