I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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