Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
