I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
