Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
