I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
