Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
