I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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