do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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