I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
