You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
