for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
