So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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