I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
