how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
