She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
