in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Randomize
