it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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