You work out of a Hotel?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
