This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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