Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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