If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
