I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
