So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
