I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
