he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
so let's talk penis.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
