I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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