i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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