I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
