I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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